gallery Keep your relationship sacred

Post by Jamillah Foulkes, MS, BA, Certified Life Coach

Keep your relationship sacred. This is very hard to do yet it is absolutely necessary. When something is going on– or going wrong in your relationship with your partner, the first natural response is to go to your BFF or family to vent, get their input and advice. You know this happens when you have a blow up, you tell someone the next day– they are all pissed, giving you all their ‘great’ advice and telling you how to handle your partner. Then you see your partner and it may start out as an argument but some how you work things out— guess who is still pissed and upset??? The friend or family member you told about the argument.
I want to urge you to refrain from doing that. The number one reason I say this is because it breaks the trust between you and your partner during your worst and most intimate moments. Things are done or said between the two of you that is no one else’s business. Which leads to the other reason– once you make up, your friends and family are right where you left them and they do not go into the make up phase with you. They aren’t there to hear all the I’m sorries, explanations, compromising and they sure aren’t there for the make up sex. Sometimes they never recover depending on what was said. It is very hard for the people that love you to hear hurtful things that were said during the heat of the moment in your relationship. Even when you later go back and explain everything thing that was said and done to rectify the situation, the negative seed was already planted. Depending on how many arguments or disagreements you and your significant other may have over a period of time, if you are constantly using family or friends to be your pseudo counselor and confidant they may start to act out in ways that becomes disrespectful to your significant other.

– There are two sides to every story and then there is that grey area. That does not mean anyone is being untruthful– everyone sees and hears different parts of the argument from their own perspective and lens. Usually when you speak to others about an issue somehow all the negative things that you said becomes watered down or omitted during the story telling which makes your significant other look really bad when you both played a role projecting negative behavior towards each other.

– You build animosity when you involve others into the relationship creating disrespect from friends and family which then causes more issues. Your friends and family may start to project their anger towards your partner that may never be repaired. Your partner may become upset once they realize the reason your family or friend is giving them the cold shoulder is because you’re telling all your business.

I have to state however, that if you are being physically or emotionally abused then it is your obligation to yourself to get help wherever you can get it and get out of that situation!!!!

Otherwise, It is important that you Empower yourself to learn how to communicate and work through your issues alone once the anger has died down. If you are having relationship issues that you cannot resolve on your own it is important that you seek professional counseling via a therapist, life coach or pastor. If your partner does not want to go with you to seek help then you have your answer about what your next step should be in the relationship, and it is up to you how to handle it. You cannot change someone that does not want to change.

If you find yourself on the other end of the conversation– as much as you may want to know the details, it is up to you to let your friend or family know that it is not a good idea to share that information with you and explain to them the reason why. You are not being a bad friend or family member for choosing not to get involved in the intricacies of ones relationship– you are avoiding potential for future drama. Especially If you KNOW that you cannot give unbiased advice without it causing more damage– choose to stay out of it. Again however, if someone is being physically or emotionally abused absolutely assist them in getting help– you will know the difference.

There are always some exceptions to this but you have to be VERY mindful who you share your personal relationship with. As always, the choice is yours.

~Empower U

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